Going away..........

Why do I feel the pain when someone goes away or something comes to an end? Which part of the  "going away "saddens me the most?

Right from childhood, I have always loved to help my friends and family with anything and everything. All I expected is that they smile back at me for the help done since I don't handle compliments very well...It makes me feel something weird and also for the fact that I rarely got any compliments from anyone in life..... Even when I or my brother did something good or credible (rare for me at least, me being more naughty than my sober mellow brother), my parents would not praise us in front of others... They always wanted others to see for themselves and if they feel, praise us...

When I would not find that smile on the person, I would feel like is there something wrong in me that I did not deserve that beautiful smile, inspite of being helpful? I felt that people had stopped appreciating good deeds? I do not recall which year, but on 1st Jan I had made resolution to do "One kind deed every single day of the year"...  Though not everyday, I managed to do few things huge that would always stay close to my heart for only reason that I helped.....

First one was me making an outstanding effort to hold a puppy on carrier seat of my brother's cycle (back in school, we used to go on our cycle) for a distance of 2 .5 kilometres from school to home. The only reason I brought this puppy home was because it was hit by a vehicle and was limping. I managed to get it home, give it a bath, make a royal bed (pillow + bedsheet) in our bathroom and also sing a lullaby to put it to sleep. Over its 1 week stay with us, I had managed to create some funny moments for my family, especially when puppy did a poo poo and mom asked me to clean it... I turned to the puppy and said "Yakappa nin ishtu kata kodtiya?" (why are you troubling me so much?). Day came when I had to let it go since it was completely cured by motherly love, I had showered in the past week. I felt sad for the thought that I may never see this puppy again.Like a film story shows, when I turned my back towards it walking away from him, it started barking and said "Bow bow, bow bow bow" in a softer tone... I heard "Tusi jaa rahe ho, tusi na jao!"... I just ran towards my house in grief and cried my heart out. I could have kept it and tamed it, but it was a street dog and would have only lived better on street... Why force myself on it just because it cannot speak.

Second thing I remember is when me and my friends thought we will gift the underprivileged something on Diwali... we all collected money from our neighbors, bought clothes,crackers and sweets. We distributed this to the children who worked in a hotel in Tulasi bagh. I saw the happiness in their eyes... And I felt like an angel to someone whom I don't know or will probably never know in my life...

Of the recent past, the same feeling rushed back to me... that too Twice! Once when my best friend Shilps shifted from Bangalore to Chennai to join a new company... When she broke the news to me, I was in a state of dilemma whether to encourage her for  good or just discourage her and create fear about new city, so that she stays back in Bangalore, since she was the only friend I had here... I started crying over the call saying "you cannot go there, what will I do without you" ........ Since I knew Shilps and her life's history, it was only wise and correct for me, to encourage her so that she progressed in her life...I knew at back of my mind it will take months together to see her face again and somewhere in her heart, she wished someone would say something encouraging about her big step than criticize... The day came when she had to leave, I visited her and spent sometime with her... I sat in the rickshaw and waved her goodbye. Rickshaw guy pulled away and my tears started its journey from my eyes to my cheeks...

I kept myself busy, to stay away from the pain, in form of my French class.... I made great friends there and the whole class was bunch of collective individuals at the beginning of the classes but we turned out to be a full on mischievous and fun loving group towards the end of classes. We would go for breakfast everyday after class to SLV, laugh a lot, discuss and share our thoughts, plan things to do something exciting.... I started enjoying thoroughly  going there and spending time with my friends.. The day came when we had our final oral exam and we got to know we all fared well.... We threw our imaginary graduation type of caps in air and congratulated each other.. Post breakfast, we all decided to take admission in same batch for next level as well...Everyone left and again I was left with my grief that it was all over and that I may or may not be able to see few of them in life again....

I started wondering from that day, what is that which makes me feel sad when something is nearing its end or someone is going away? Is it the moment when you turn your back from the person to leave; so many things you wanted to say but you could not; if known, the fact that you will never see them or the distances which comes in way in terms of place or closeness in hearts?

For me, my biggest pain was to know that I have no control on events, which are bound to happen. All I had to do is go through the pain. Also the feeling that distances would bring down the same magic we used to have when we would be together. All I pray is that God will help me pass through it and that he has something stored for me in some other form to pass through the journey called LIFE.

Accepting reality.............

Sorry guys! Its been long time that I sat down peacefully and wrote something.......... Well I wont say this is the best day to start because when I see outside my window, its a dull, cold, rainy morning and all I can think is of just laze around and slip into a cozy blanket...... But on purpose,I kept my windows open and let the cold wind touch me to refresh me.............

Its been a month of non stop travel for me and Anup. I had been to Pune after one year and the first time, post my parents shifted to Bangalore completely......... It was my best friend Neetu's wedding and was super excited to hear and be part of her celebrations........ When I booked my ticket to Pune, I was happy on one side and sad on another....... Happy because Neetu was getting married and sad because this was the first time ever I was going to Pune and I had to stay over in my friend's house rather than our own........

As the day was nearing to leave to Pune, I felt a lump in my throat.... Will I be comfortable going there and staying with Neetu? No wonder I and Neetu are close friends but there were very few night outs in us since she lived in first building and I lived in last but one building in our colony......Back of my mind, I always wished mom and dad should not have sold our house in Pune..... but it was a known fact from the time we moved to Pune, that one day my parents would shift permanently to Bangalore.... Mind and Heart were not coming to terms with what had happened and not accepting the fact that we don't live there anymore....

The day arrived to leave for Pune..A quick call to mom checking if she needed any imports from Pune since I was on my way...her answer added more pain to my disturbed mind........ "No, Nothing"...... After 20 long hours of journey, I reached Pune station.... I got down and searched for my parents who would always pick me up, when they knew I would be coming... I thought "Stupid mind, mom dad are in Bangalore... Neetu is coming"....... First face to face with reality.... Then Neetu came, we left to her house and I started speaking to her about marriage arrangements and everything ......... When rickshaw walah took a wrong turn, I told him," Kaka, rickshaw Lakshmi road varun kada." I said to myself, " Not bad, haven't forgotten the roads."

We reached our colony, got down and Neetu's mind calculator started working to come to a figure of how much needs to be paid to rickshaw walah... (digits on meter*8)+3................... Neetu's mom welcomed us and then began my actual stay...... For next three days, I started helping Neetu and family to make last minute arrangements for wedding, since wedding was to take place in the house.From labeling of silver items to packing of eatables, it was all pending...I met my friend's mom and brother Rishi (who has grown up tall from the last time I saw him),Teja,Ashwini,& also saw too many parrots in Neetu's balcony.

Just two days before the marriage day, I was lying on my bed and thinking why was it now feeling weird? I am in Pune and know I have just come to attend Neetu's wedding. I kept myself busy throughout the day by doing some or other work and night went in sleeping.... What is it that I am missing the most now even after being in Pune?

I thought and thought and thought....... My heart gave me an answer....  I sent out a sms instantly to mom,dad and Ashok.... Mom called back almost within next 30 seconds and asked what happened? I explained what I felt and she said, she is happy to know that she understood what was situation and why this had to happen.....

I woke up next day, changed the plan and instead of leaving on tuesday( wedding was on sunday), I booked myself a ticket on monday....

Marriage day came. All went fine and we all friends and Neetu's Mama and Maushi managed to manage the guest,serve them food and keep them entertained and also not miss the main functions ourselves.....Marriage was over and then reception too... I went with Neetu to her new home as Path Rakhin( some one who accompanies the bride post marriage on her first day to her in laws house). We were too exhausted to do anything but sleep once we reached... But inside me,I had a chuckle that I am leaving tomorrow....

Next day we came back from Neetu's house.I was supposed to stay with Teju as per original plan. I called her up and informed of change in my plan and she invited me to have lunch with them before leaving.... I went to Teju's place.Teju's building is opposite the building I used to stay. I did not put my head up when I neared my building and then reached her house. We talked for while catching up on so many things we had not spoken of.... Kaaku called us for lunch.. We went to kitchen and started eating. From the place I was sitting, my house was clearly visible through the window. I saw our terrace where we used to keep our big swing. It was there standing tall and blue (dad had left it behind because of its weight and problem of space). I saw Ashoki's room and this time color of curtains were different. It struck to me, house did not look the same ,how I saw it the last time. House number B6/13's owner had changed and also the way it was kept.....


This was the moment... My face to face with reality.....I recollected what I had told my family two days earlier in my sms...it read, "Home is where you guys are..." I loved to come back to this city because my mom,dad and Ashok were staying here....... But even after being in Pune, I was missing something and that was their presence.....Thats why I had the urge to see my family....... 

I smiled at myself, waved Teju and her family goodbye and left for Bangalore.... Usually once a sad Preeti while leaving Pune,was happy to go to Bangalore and meet her family.....

I overcame my fear and learnt that, 'its just not the walls, or the rooms or the house you lived which makes it special....but the people and their emotions with whom you stay, makes you want to get back to that place....and now for me, that is Bangalore'......