Saturday, April 16, 2011

Going away..........

Why do I feel the pain when someone goes away or something comes to an end? Which part of the  "going away "saddens me the most?

Right from childhood, I have always loved to help my friends and family with anything and everything. All I expected is that they smile back at me for the help done since I don't handle compliments very well...It makes me feel something weird and also for the fact that I rarely got any compliments from anyone in life..... Even when I or my brother did something good or credible (rare for me at least, me being more naughty than my sober mellow brother), my parents would not praise us in front of others... They always wanted others to see for themselves and if they feel, praise us...

When I would not find that smile on the person, I would feel like is there something wrong in me that I did not deserve that beautiful smile, inspite of being helpful? I felt that people had stopped appreciating good deeds? I do not recall which year, but on 1st Jan I had made resolution to do "One kind deed every single day of the year"...  Though not everyday, I managed to do few things huge that would always stay close to my heart for only reason that I helped.....

First one was me making an outstanding effort to hold a puppy on carrier seat of my brother's cycle (back in school, we used to go on our cycle) for a distance of 2 .5 kilometres from school to home. The only reason I brought this puppy home was because it was hit by a vehicle and was limping. I managed to get it home, give it a bath, make a royal bed (pillow + bedsheet) in our bathroom and also sing a lullaby to put it to sleep. Over its 1 week stay with us, I had managed to create some funny moments for my family, especially when puppy did a poo poo and mom asked me to clean it... I turned to the puppy and said "Yakappa nin ishtu kata kodtiya?" (why are you troubling me so much?). Day came when I had to let it go since it was completely cured by motherly love, I had showered in the past week. I felt sad for the thought that I may never see this puppy again.Like a film story shows, when I turned my back towards it walking away from him, it started barking and said "Bow bow, bow bow bow" in a softer tone... I heard "Tusi jaa rahe ho, tusi na jao!"... I just ran towards my house in grief and cried my heart out. I could have kept it and tamed it, but it was a street dog and would have only lived better on street... Why force myself on it just because it cannot speak.

Second thing I remember is when me and my friends thought we will gift the underprivileged something on Diwali... we all collected money from our neighbors, bought clothes,crackers and sweets. We distributed this to the children who worked in a hotel in Tulasi bagh. I saw the happiness in their eyes... And I felt like an angel to someone whom I don't know or will probably never know in my life...

Of the recent past, the same feeling rushed back to me... that too Twice! Once when my best friend Shilps shifted from Bangalore to Chennai to join a new company... When she broke the news to me, I was in a state of dilemma whether to encourage her for  good or just discourage her and create fear about new city, so that she stays back in Bangalore, since she was the only friend I had here... I started crying over the call saying "you cannot go there, what will I do without you" ........ Since I knew Shilps and her life's history, it was only wise and correct for me, to encourage her so that she progressed in her life...I knew at back of my mind it will take months together to see her face again and somewhere in her heart, she wished someone would say something encouraging about her big step than criticize... The day came when she had to leave, I visited her and spent sometime with her... I sat in the rickshaw and waved her goodbye. Rickshaw guy pulled away and my tears started its journey from my eyes to my cheeks...

I kept myself busy, to stay away from the pain, in form of my French class.... I made great friends there and the whole class was bunch of collective individuals at the beginning of the classes but we turned out to be a full on mischievous and fun loving group towards the end of classes. We would go for breakfast everyday after class to SLV, laugh a lot, discuss and share our thoughts, plan things to do something exciting.... I started enjoying thoroughly  going there and spending time with my friends.. The day came when we had our final oral exam and we got to know we all fared well.... We threw our imaginary graduation type of caps in air and congratulated each other.. Post breakfast, we all decided to take admission in same batch for next level as well...Everyone left and again I was left with my grief that it was all over and that I may or may not be able to see few of them in life again....

I started wondering from that day, what is that which makes me feel sad when something is nearing its end or someone is going away? Is it the moment when you turn your back from the person to leave; so many things you wanted to say but you could not; if known, the fact that you will never see them or the distances which comes in way in terms of place or closeness in hearts?

For me, my biggest pain was to know that I have no control on events, which are bound to happen. All I had to do is go through the pain. Also the feeling that distances would bring down the same magic we used to have when we would be together. All I pray is that God will help me pass through it and that he has something stored for me in some other form to pass through the journey called LIFE.


3 comments:

  1. Excellent opening of heart. Always I was there to see her under different conditions listed above. When you love some body : an animal, deprived, friend/s, unknowns, etc it has to come to an end. that is life. Some where recent I read friendships are also temporary only durations differs? really how much true it is! That is life beta we have to live every thing behind : pets, friends, memories, parents at the end this body too. That is life. Always expect a better tomorrow, while leaving today behind.

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  2. Loved reading the article and loved reading Mr.ChandraSekhar's comment too. True, we have to leave things behind, but while they are there, let's enjoy them to the maximum and spread love wherever we go. Well done with those good deeds. Want to take up a 29-day "good deeds"project with me? We will do one good deed per day and keep in touch over e-mail, as to what our good deeds were. What say?:)

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  3. Summer rain, I am in with you.......

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