In the growing up years of my life, I looked out for perfection, in my mannerisms, emotions, thinking, rationality, friendships. There were so many times, I wanted to give up my idealistic behavior and make way for a normal person in me. But I was not destined to be normal, I guess. It was good in a way, because I realized that I could do something which others wont do and that has been my defining phrase about myself, "What others do, I don't like to do that. I like to differ."
But as I came to an age of maturity and facing the realities out in the world, I lost myself to it. I was no longer a perfectionist. I wanted to fit in and get into comfort zone and try a normal life. I went against my instincts and tried which was ,easily available. I did not like it frankly, because I lost myself trying hard. The last time I recall, I had pushed my inner limits was somewhere six years back, trying to pass an exam, on whose results, I had to make some life altering decisions of my life.
I lost my motivation thereafter and also my fighting spirit. Everything came easily but no experience tasted as enriching as the struggled ones had been. I felt hopeless so much that I could not tighten my fist in determination. Every single time I decided on something, I lost it very soon thereafter, sometimes even before attempting to it. I had become an ordinary person and have been furious with myself from then.
But after what seems forever now, I have faced my worst fear. The fear of not being able to do what I have been destined for. I realized destiny wont knock my door, unless I take steps towards it. I may not have answers still, for many questions, but I have my determination back. The only difference between previous ones and the current one, is I know how I have to hold on to it. It is something which I have found after wiping the dust off the frame, inside me.
What did I find? Its my mental image of who I want to be as a person. So what if there are hurdles in way? I won't shy away from it. I will face and fight it. I no longer, will be shy from who I am. Its my determination to stand up for what I believe in and if anything stands in my way, there better be some preparation from the opposition side. Its because I am not going to give up easily on anything, its not in my nature.
It has been a very painstaking journey to come to this stage where not only can I hold my fist together, but also clench my jaw in determination. I wont exist if I don't believe in myself. Now there is my fighting spirit...
