Marriage: a new journey or roadblock for girls

I often come across girls mentioning that they are afraid to be married or hate to be married since it demands a lot from them post marriage.. My Aiah Thata (maternal grandpa) would always scold me when I would do any sloppy work saying, " Tomorrow when you get married, your mother in law will hit you nicely if you don't obey her..." and my reply would be "I will tell my mother in law, Bring it on!" for I had all the guts to stand for my rights...


Time flew so quickly from that conversation & today, after 2 years and 5 months of my marriage, I often keep thinking on this topic... I have found a wonderful friend and life partner in Anup. Often people confuse that we are bachelors and are in live in relationship... I am even more lucky to have found a very easy natured mother in law and caring father in law.... May be this is the reason, I actually negate to why girls should feel like that..... Somewhere I read (I don't remember exactly) that girls sacrifice a lot in marriage.I fail to understand how do girls sacrifice in marriage? Leaving parents house & going to husband's house is a tradition which has been followed from ages, which is also a known fact to every single girl right from childhood..


A husband welcomes a new member in family.. It is the biggest challenge for him. He has to shift his loyalties & priorities towards his wife a little more, to make her comfortable. He has to go out and work so that he can fulfill all the wishes in the family. He cannot leave his job and sit at home saying, "I don't want to go to work. I want to sit at home." We girls at least have that option. He has to help his wife with household works like paying bills,picking groceries,etc . He has to manage his household expenses in same efficient way with additional one member added to his family. A "no" for anything will not be well received by wife, so he has to make YES as his favorite word. Even if the curry prepared is very bad, he eats and says,"Wow sweetie! its awesome...tumhare haaton mein jaadu hain." and even after saying this, he still has answering to do for a questionnaire of "is it too salty?, is it too spicy, is it too bland, you are lying aren't you? shall I prepare it next time again? why are you having so little?". There is a constant expectation to express their love for her. He has to fine tune his majority of habits according to his wife's likings to keep her happy. 


I don't say girls do not put in efforts in marriage. But we show and keep telling it out loud, every now and then.Yes we put equal efforts but also do give up when those efforts are not fruitful. Expectations are high on both, husband and wife, equally. On girls, its expectation to run household efficiently and also get along with new family members. On boys, its responsibility and duties towards his wife and family. Girls forget that now a days, they also have an opinion and a voice. If they are not happy about anything, they should not straight enter the ring with gloves like Mike Tyson, but should be able to wisely put across things and find a solution. 


Both, husband and wife have very important roles to play in marriage but just that the parameters are different. Its just great that husbands don't count and show how much sacrifices they have to undergo. for example: If wives are asked for money for some emergency, they will end up feeling "see he cant tolerate that I have surplus money with me." But have they ever wondered, how difficult it would be for him to part from his hard earned money to fulfill their wishes every time?


Problems are part and parcel of married life. Few problems are easily forgettable and correctable, few leave a mark on heart and mind for ever. I feel before we expecting anything out from our husband, we should think if we are fulfilling his expectations? Don't answer this question yourself. Ask him how he feels about you being a part of his life and what bothers or worries him the most about you? Communication is key to resolving biggest problems between couple. Initial settlement & adjustments problems post marriage are bound to be there, but how early they can overcome this hurdle is left to both of them. Why not see your in laws in same love filled eyes like you see your parents. I know no one can ever replace their position in life, but you its unfair not to give that chance to your in laws as well.... You are comparing 24-25 years of your parents love to few months of your in laws acquaintance and end up making your biases. Rituals, practices ought to differ from house to house, but its also a great opportunity to learn something new and also put in your thoughts in them and enjoy than comparing. 


I think marriage requires lot of maturity,patience, respect for individuals in the family and also understanding of what it takes to be someone's  wife. At same time, I feel we are new age women who can express herself in best manner possible and working out on issues than complicating them. We should continue leading normal life and enjoy life ,as we would before marriage and not lose one's individuality, but at same time also understand new responsibilities given to you. If yes is answers to all the above questions, congrats! you are ready for wonderful joy ride called MARRIAGE!

Daddy..... How did you feel that moment?

There are so many relations in this world. Of all the relations, I cherish the one with my DAD the most. Why is this father and daughter's bond so strong? Why do fathers cry when they get their darling princesses married? What is this special bond between them which no words can explain? This question lingered me yesterday, all day long. I went into flashback of my life and saw only those moments which I and DAD had spent.

 I would say I did not make a great first impression on my dad when he saw me for the first time. He had come down to Bangalore to see me and my mom at the hospital. Dad came to my granny’s house first, only to find my cute not so-elder brother Ashoki playing with his toys and a domestic help to control his mischief. When dad asked my brother to guide him the way, he happily agreed and said in broken Kannada, "Nange Nangi hutidalle" (meaning my younger sis is born, tangi became nangi).Dad came to the hospital and everyone started praising about my then beautiful looks ( God knows when it vanished! Anyways).I had little nose, cute pink cheeks and was very fair. Well dad waited impatiently and nurse held me in her arms and started walking me to the room. I was nervous to see who my dad was and kept winking my eyes innocently (hoping my charms worked on him) and smiling all the way long. He took me in his arms and as the story haunts me time and again, I pooped on his shirt out of nervousness. "Ayyo", my dad said and he thought, "She is going to be a very difficult child to handle."

Well, to great extent yes, I was a difficult child to handle. I was very mischievous and would blame my innocent, sober brother for them. Right from burning the cane furniture in balcony for experiments to teaching my brother how to bunk karate classes in class three, to walking almost five kms from school to dad's office in Mumbai at age of 6 & 8.He has seen me in all the wrong glory I was proud of. But he never punished me for my mischief, why?

In school, I was never a brilliant student. I would fail in two or three subjects in Unit tests and then manage to pass through annual exams. But he never would say anything but year after year take promise from me that I would study hard for coming year. He knew I would not keep up to my promise. But he showed faith in me, why?

He always wanted me to focus on one thing at a time and do it with perfection. I always wanted to impress my dad for some reason or other. Why? I did not know. But he encouraged me to do everything I asked him. There was never a NO from his side, but he would expect me to give him results for that. He gave me all the liberties and freedom a dad can give her daughter to explore and become more independent and confident In a world where girls are still not allowed basic rights of life, he did give me all the lenience equal to my brother, why?

I remember back in those days, every Sunday morning we would watch Rangoli where all old songs were played. I would always get up late and sleep on my dad's lap.  He would cuddle me and pat on my forehead and that feeling was beyond words. What was that feeling?

I grew up to become a very aggressive teenager, challenging anything and everything coming my way. My dad was person who took maximum brunt of my reckless behavior. I remember the night I had went to my school reunion and had returned very late. He was awake until I returned and panicked. He could not control his anxiety and waited for me impatiently. Though I felt it was little over-protective of him to do so, what went through his mind at that time?

Dad has always been protective of me. I had fractured my leg once, because I used to put my legs in the cycle spokes. He had rushed me to hospital and did not mind carrying me in his arms. When I did some drama and asked something to eat, as if I had famished and had not eaten for ages, he got me 50-50 krackjack biscuit packet. I finished the whole packet. Why did he give in to my demand, even after knowing that I was the drama queen of the house?

He has been pillar of my strength and someone whom I look up to. Whatever the decisions may be, he allowed me to take it for myself. May it be the line of studies in college or whether to shift to Bangalore immediately after college, he said yes. Countless times I expected him to support and he always did that. He knew where to hold back and where to let go. But how did he feel when I would make such decisions without asking him?

The one time I feared him a lot was when I told him about Anup wanting to marry me. Dad is not a great fan of love marriage nor does he believe that young kids can make such life altering decisions for themselves. But when I did tell him, he took some time, interviewed Anup with questionnaire; which he had prepared (like me) and gave my love a green signal. It took exactly five days to hear a yes and all those days, I wished for is a YES. What made him say yes? How did it feel that moment to know that his darling princess had some new person in her life apart from him?

All these questions bothered me yesterday while watching the movie, "FATHER OF THE BRIDE". Finally I got the answer in another incident in my marriage when he gave my hand in Anup's hand and asked him to look after me like he did; dad had uncontrollable tears in his eyes. At that point of time, I was in a state where I could see all the flashbacks from childhood and never wanted to leave daddy and go with Anup. I started crying like I was never going to see him again.

A father always dreads the day, when he has to send his daughter away forever with her husband. When she is growing up, he is there to see all her mischief, all her drama and all her achievements. Those moments are just between him and his daughter. He fears to lose those moments when she grows up. He is a proud dad when she does something very creditable in her life and when he knows his darling Princess has grown to become a fine woman, a person who can replicate his upbringing.

I am proud of the fact that I am his daughter. I always remember these words which he told Anup, "I am giving you a piece of my body and full of my heart". I cannot explain the depths of these words but just wanted to say my dad, “I love you and I owe my life and happiness to you. I always know that if I am happy, you are happy. No one can take you away from me and I am proud that I am your reflection. YOU ARE MY ONLY HERO."

Going away..........

Why do I feel the pain when someone goes away or something comes to an end? Which part of the  "going away "saddens me the most?

Right from childhood, I have always loved to help my friends and family with anything and everything. All I expected is that they smile back at me for the help done since I don't handle compliments very well...It makes me feel something weird and also for the fact that I rarely got any compliments from anyone in life..... Even when I or my brother did something good or credible (rare for me at least, me being more naughty than my sober mellow brother), my parents would not praise us in front of others... They always wanted others to see for themselves and if they feel, praise us...

When I would not find that smile on the person, I would feel like is there something wrong in me that I did not deserve that beautiful smile, inspite of being helpful? I felt that people had stopped appreciating good deeds? I do not recall which year, but on 1st Jan I had made resolution to do "One kind deed every single day of the year"...  Though not everyday, I managed to do few things huge that would always stay close to my heart for only reason that I helped.....

First one was me making an outstanding effort to hold a puppy on carrier seat of my brother's cycle (back in school, we used to go on our cycle) for a distance of 2 .5 kilometres from school to home. The only reason I brought this puppy home was because it was hit by a vehicle and was limping. I managed to get it home, give it a bath, make a royal bed (pillow + bedsheet) in our bathroom and also sing a lullaby to put it to sleep. Over its 1 week stay with us, I had managed to create some funny moments for my family, especially when puppy did a poo poo and mom asked me to clean it... I turned to the puppy and said "Yakappa nin ishtu kata kodtiya?" (why are you troubling me so much?). Day came when I had to let it go since it was completely cured by motherly love, I had showered in the past week. I felt sad for the thought that I may never see this puppy again.Like a film story shows, when I turned my back towards it walking away from him, it started barking and said "Bow bow, bow bow bow" in a softer tone... I heard "Tusi jaa rahe ho, tusi na jao!"... I just ran towards my house in grief and cried my heart out. I could have kept it and tamed it, but it was a street dog and would have only lived better on street... Why force myself on it just because it cannot speak.

Second thing I remember is when me and my friends thought we will gift the underprivileged something on Diwali... we all collected money from our neighbors, bought clothes,crackers and sweets. We distributed this to the children who worked in a hotel in Tulasi bagh. I saw the happiness in their eyes... And I felt like an angel to someone whom I don't know or will probably never know in my life...

Of the recent past, the same feeling rushed back to me... that too Twice! Once when my best friend Shilps shifted from Bangalore to Chennai to join a new company... When she broke the news to me, I was in a state of dilemma whether to encourage her for  good or just discourage her and create fear about new city, so that she stays back in Bangalore, since she was the only friend I had here... I started crying over the call saying "you cannot go there, what will I do without you" ........ Since I knew Shilps and her life's history, it was only wise and correct for me, to encourage her so that she progressed in her life...I knew at back of my mind it will take months together to see her face again and somewhere in her heart, she wished someone would say something encouraging about her big step than criticize... The day came when she had to leave, I visited her and spent sometime with her... I sat in the rickshaw and waved her goodbye. Rickshaw guy pulled away and my tears started its journey from my eyes to my cheeks...

I kept myself busy, to stay away from the pain, in form of my French class.... I made great friends there and the whole class was bunch of collective individuals at the beginning of the classes but we turned out to be a full on mischievous and fun loving group towards the end of classes. We would go for breakfast everyday after class to SLV, laugh a lot, discuss and share our thoughts, plan things to do something exciting.... I started enjoying thoroughly  going there and spending time with my friends.. The day came when we had our final oral exam and we got to know we all fared well.... We threw our imaginary graduation type of caps in air and congratulated each other.. Post breakfast, we all decided to take admission in same batch for next level as well...Everyone left and again I was left with my grief that it was all over and that I may or may not be able to see few of them in life again....

I started wondering from that day, what is that which makes me feel sad when something is nearing its end or someone is going away? Is it the moment when you turn your back from the person to leave; so many things you wanted to say but you could not; if known, the fact that you will never see them or the distances which comes in way in terms of place or closeness in hearts?

For me, my biggest pain was to know that I have no control on events, which are bound to happen. All I had to do is go through the pain. Also the feeling that distances would bring down the same magic we used to have when we would be together. All I pray is that God will help me pass through it and that he has something stored for me in some other form to pass through the journey called LIFE.