Where is my fighting spirit?

                                When I was a kid, I was disciplined a lot by my mother. She told me, and still tells me what is right,wrong, good, bad, black and white. But the little devil I was, never wanted to be told. I wanted to experience whatever was lectured to me, so that it got engraved on my memory. Its may be because I am a daddy's girl and my dad is a fighter, who stands for what he believes in, come what may. We both go out of our comfort zone in quest of new experiences and may be this has been one great influential factor of my character, to go beyond what I am expected to.

                                 In the growing up years of my life, I looked out for perfection, in my mannerisms, emotions, thinking, rationality, friendships. There were so many times, I wanted to give up my idealistic behavior and make way for a normal person in me. But I was not destined to be normal, I guess. It was good in a way, because I realized that I could do something which others wont do and that has been my defining phrase about myself, "What others do, I don't like to do that. I like to differ."

                                But as I came to an age of maturity and facing the realities out in the world, I lost myself to it. I was no longer a perfectionist. I wanted to fit in and get into comfort zone and try a normal life. I went against my instincts and tried which was ,easily available. I did not like it frankly, because I lost myself trying hard. The last time I recall, I had pushed my inner limits was somewhere six years back, trying to pass an exam, on whose results, I had to make some life altering decisions of my life.

                               I lost my motivation thereafter and also my fighting spirit. Everything came easily but no experience tasted as enriching as the struggled ones had been. I felt hopeless so much that I could not tighten my fist in determination. Every single time I decided on something, I lost it very soon thereafter, sometimes even before attempting to it. I had become an ordinary person and have been furious with myself from then.



                                   


                             But after what seems forever now, I have faced my worst fear. The fear of not being able to do what I have been destined for. I realized destiny wont knock my door, unless I take steps towards it. I may not have answers still, for many questions, but I have my determination back. The only difference between previous ones and the current one, is I know how I have to hold on to it. It is something which I have found after wiping the dust off the frame, inside me.

                          What did I find? Its my mental image of who I want to be as a person. So what if there are hurdles in way? I won't shy away from it. I will face and fight it. I no longer, will be shy from who I am. Its my determination to stand up for what I believe in and if anything stands in my way, there better be some preparation from the opposition side. Its because I am not going to give up easily on anything, its not in my nature.

                         It has been a very painstaking journey to come to this stage where not only can I hold my fist together, but also clench my jaw in determination. I wont exist if I don't believe in myself. Now there is my fighting spirit...