Courtesy or Formality

How do you judge if a gesture is courtesy or formality?

As an Indian, we are very bound to the rituals and traditions we follow. Our tradition teaches us to be courteous to our guests, family and friends. But when does this courtesy turns into a formality?

When someone arrives from outside, we offer them a glass of water to drink first. That is the first gesture of courtesy. We offer them hot or cold drinks followed by snack, lunch or dinner appropriate to the time they have arrived.  But now a day this tradition is vanishing quickly among the city dwellers.  We do it with more fanfare when we expect someone special or looking forward for some guest.  But when we do the same thing repeatedly for a person, it becomes a mere formality.

When we get a call from our relative or a friend after a long time, we end up asking and telling about well being of the people we know. It is called courtesy. But if  they keep on repeatedly asking about same things on repeated basis, it is called formality.

A common conclusion what I derive is that, when something is very exclusive or exquisite, we enjoy the courtesy. But if it keeps on getting repeated, I think it reduces to a mere formality.

Like I have an uncle of mine who is a perfect example of my conclusion. When someone meets him at first they are very happy at the courtesy he extends towards them. The more frequently they interact with him; they get to know it’s a formality which he has embraced.

Another fine example of this would be at workplaces. A newly joined employee is excited in his initial days at his new office. He greets everyone enthusiastically as soon as he arrives, wishes them “happy weekends” when the weekend approaches and so on. But as the time progresses and he gets to understand his work, surroundings and politics involved, his greetings become mere formalities or in most of the cases, vanishes.

So how can a courtesy remain a courtesy and a formality remain formality? It is when you try and understand where you need to use what and why we need to make those gestures.Say for example, in a business crisis client conference call, we can make use of the two at same time. When you start the meeting, there are customary greetings exchanged, introducing the participants of the meeting. This is formality. As the issues get discussed a resolution is made on how to tackle the issue, an important statement can settle many tensed nerves, when you say with a little voice modulation, that “We are there to help you in all possible ways”. Now that is what I call courtesy. Why do we do it? Because, it enhances relationships and sends out a message of assurance between the people.

How about a less formal scenario? Say a friend of your kid comes home for the first time, you talk to him, tell him ‘feel comfortable’, etc. But if he starts visiting daily for say night studies and you keep on telling him feel comfortable, he knows he can never be comfortable.  A scope needs to be given for anyone to venture out in any given space , for him to get acquainted and used to the atmosphere. But if you keep constantly hammering upon to adjust or feel comfortable, the process cannot be fast forwarded. Every action takes its course of time. There is no magic button which can make such feelings emerge quickly.

If one is a good face reader or judge of the words, they can easily identify the distinction. The face is a mirror of thousand unspoken words. Either they catch it in the face or through the voice modulation or pitch they use. Courtesy is like a salesman going an extra mile to gain the customer satisfaction even before selling the product and formality is like a salesman who just stands next to you and when you ask any questions about the product, his reply would be “all the details are given there itself. Read it yourself.”The presence is there but not impactful.

I also believe it has something to do with how the person has been brought up. If they have seen or been around people, who are either courteous or formal, they pick up the same trait. I see this theory true with my cousins, whose father has a very formal behavior. They have seen him throughout his life like that and hence they eventually ended up picking up the same trait. Now when we meet them in some function, they just exchange customary greetings and a formal imposing smile.

So is it good to be courteous or good to be formal? No one can judge it at this very moment. The situation which we come across is the true test to conclude which one is better. If one wants to be more courteous then formal, they need to change their attitude and perspective of the things which keeps getting repeated. Enjoy it every single time as if it were new.

I leave you with these few quotes on Courtesy:

It is better to have too much courtesy than too little, provided you are not equally courteous to all, for that would be injustice.
Baltasar Gracian

“Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of the pleasures costs nothing and conveys much. It pleases him who gives and him who receives, and thus, like mercy, it is twice blessed. Erastus Wiman

A million deaths........

Death, the word surely scares all. The best thing about being human is that even if we know death is inevitable, we want to make the fullest out of earthly life,which we are blessed with.


What does death mean? Most of us relate death to the physical perishing of the body made of skin and flesh. When I was very small, I would also feel scared like most of us, on hearing the D word. Many of the parents do not encourage or ask children to accompany them to a funeral or a mourning place, because the whole scene is very disturbing for a child's mind. But what happens when we grow up? Funny thing is, we all learn the absolute truth of LIFE:DEATH....


But for me, death means a lot different. Death is just not the perishing of our physical body. I feel we live a hundred deaths every single day throughout our life. These deaths are of those dreams,we would have once, dreamt for us. I think our soul is like a white round cheese. We keep on grating it to find the ultimate,unique and the best recipe one could have produced. Similar way,we keep on scrapping our souls for so many dreams which we want to follow. Some may be utter bullshit and some may be truly spectacular. But in the attempt of doing so, we depleted some our cheese, which we will not get back. After grating, cheese becomes uneven in shape with holes in many places and so does our SOUL.


In this fast paced world and the race to reach to the top, we scrap our souls day in day out. Say for example, we step out of the house and we see a beautiful girl wearing a very costly dress. She looks like a million bucks in her outfit and you immediately make up your mind, that you want to do the same. A dream has registered on our SOUL. But after one-two days, we go back to our normal and give up our dream by thinking of possibilities.A dream unaccomplished and it scrapped our SOUL in the process. 


Me and my best friend Shilpa, share same view about trying things. Its like, we do not want to sit at the shores and judge how cold the water is. We never want to regret or ever want to feel bad that we never tried. We do not want our souls getting scrapped a million times and ultimately one day vanish without producing a fine recipe. 


Now the question is what do we do to ensure our SOUL is not depleted without achieving anything? Take that brave step. Do what you feel and you truly want to follow. There is nothing which is impossible in life. There is always a way to get things done or atleast try and move one step closer to that dream. With the fear of failure and that one may become laughing stock in front of others, we often end up giving up our dreams. Take that courage to stand for what you believe in. Your soul is in your hand. There are many influencers in the process but ultimately its your journey.


For example: One would want to have a baby to be able to enjoy parenthood, to be able to see your baby grow but what is the use,when your baby is taking it first steps at home and you are busy working?


One always plans on how he can live happily after retirement. But he does not think, his SOUL has already depleted to the core in order to reach to the retirement age. His many dreams died in the process to find ultimate happiness or say retirement age without even trying for it. No wonder,when someone blesses with a long life, they immediately react and say, this one life is more than enough.


What is ultimate happiness? For me, it is to be able to do what I want to do, without the fear of failure or worry that my attempts would be the talk of the town.  Some dreams may get realized and so may fail disastrously but with every attempt comes an experience and no one can take that away from me. 


The next time you want to dream and not follow them; ask this one question to yourself and am sure, you will always get a positive answer: Is Death the ultimate destination of your life or a point from where you cannot return back?